Why don't I have the partner I want?

Why don't I have the partner I want?

At his wedding, Felipe commented on the toast: “I am very happy because I found Mary, the love of my life!" Meanwhile Maria said: “I won the lottery with Felipe, I could not live without you, I never thought that one day I could find my better half!" Within a few months of living together they have both realized the reality and a year later they are separated. Any resemblance to reality is no coincidence!

Everyone in life sooner or later will ask ourselves a series of questions: who am I? Where do I go? And who am I going with? The latter corresponds to the choice of a couple. Living in company is a very important decision that is usually taken lightly and is almost always surrounded by an atmosphere rarefied by many factors as we will see below.


  • 1 How would you like your partner to be?
  • 2 The myth of the half orange
  • 3 Everyone has the partner we are looking for
  • 4 Why do we sometimes complain about not having the partner we want?
  • 5 The confrontation with the couple
  • 6 Why do I see qualities in my partner that I really don't have?

How would you like your partner to be?

Each person is unique in their choices and each couple in general also decides which type of couple they want to join. There is no recipe for this, but in what is known as “social desirability,” everyone when they really intend to have a partner behaves truly friendly. Social desirability makes us show our best face to the loved one and we are even very understanding and cooperative. In this universe nothing is loose, at the level of our brain in social desirability, it also begins to produce a substance called phenylethylamine, it is chemically a neurotransmitter, which makes us very collaborative and inhibits hunger.

Not only psychological elements are mixed but some myths or false beliefs related to the couple, which by force of repetition become a reality that muddles relationships and ends up becoming true. They range from: life in common, sexuality, love, living with children, and so on. There is not a single loophole of our lives (money, love, childcare, sexual intercourse, distribution of daily household chores, vacations, etc.) where myths are absent, and unfortunately our own ignorance strengthens them even more. Some examples of them: "If our love is true, sex between us will always be wonderful", "I will be the best lover you have ever had", "Love in the couple can and forgives everything", " If I don't feel jealous in my relationship, I don't really love that person, "" Hardness is one of the most valuable male traits, "" Men don't cry. "

The myth of the half orange

Finding the half-orange truly is also a myth and has more negative consequences than positive ones.. On the one hand, finding a half half means that we are incomplete and need someone else to be happy, that is, we are incomplete beings and it is the couple's responsibility to meet our expectations, so it is the other's job to complete ourselves. On the other hand, if our partner is incomplete we will be responsible for making him happy. Adding efforts in this way we are incomplete beings and the couple will end up making us even more incomplete.

Everybody has the couple we are looking for

This statement can be very categorical and terrible especially when emotionally it is very expensive to be living with someone in the field: sexual, psychological, social, economic, spiritual, family, and more. But life is about elections and many times we choose to constantly complain about not having the partner we have. In fact, problems in life have a very simple format. Do you think about those things that are a problem for you in the relationship? Now I'm going to guess why do you have them? These are because "we don't want to lose what we have" or "we long for those things we don't have."

Why do we sometimes complain about not having the partner we want?

The origin of this vacuum is related to:

  • The learnings of our family of origin, the models learned in the family itself.
  • Our own emotional lacks of personality.
  • In being unable once we are in a couple to think as a couple, the selfishness of one of the members predominates.
  • By the way we explain the things that happen in our lives, blaming others for our choices (external control locus) and hardly holding ourselves accountable for our decisions (internal control locus).
  • Many times we are terribly afraid of taking responsibility for ourselves.
  • We get to place our expectations of happiness in the couple, when this is a purely personal work.
  • No person who feels dissatisfied with themselves, can be able to live together as a couple because even offering favorable conditions will try to see the negative aspect of life.
  • Sometimes I feel the last Coca of the desert and I feel that nobody deserves me, that is, I feel superior to my partner and I feel that being with him / her I do a favor to the poor guy.
  • The psychological, social or cultural patterns of beauty make head crises make me question the convenience of being with my partner.
  • Sometimes from the beginning of the relationship I was not really convinced to be with my current partner, that is, I did not really have a partner commitment.
  • If we idealize the couple, breaking those expectations will truly suffer. The higher we fly, the more the fall hurts.

The confrontation with the couple

The real couples, of flesh and bone and fluff in the navel, are people with virtues and defects, and if they exist. In the meantime, the ideal partners are of appearance, they are people who try to hide their condition of human beings, take refuge in the appearance.

Why do I see qualities in my partner that I really don't have?

  • Because I am unable to recognize that my partner is a human being like me with virtues and defects.
  • Because I'm afraid to face my loneliness.
  • Because I'm used to complaining most of the time (playing the role of victim).
  • Because I don't respect myself internally.
  • Because I have a very low self-esteem.
  • Because I don't know myself as a person inside.
  • Because I am not aware that happiness is an inner task. It is not a goal but a path, but I place my happiness in my partner.
  • Because I don't establish relationships of commitment.
  • Because I think nobody in this world could understand me.
  • Because I don't think there really is a couple that can get along fairly well (projection) with me.
  • Because it is always normal for me to live in the lawsuit.
  • Because I don't know how to build my own happiness.
  • Because it is better bad for known than good for knowing.
  • Because I guess in sex no one else could understand me.
  • Because I am unable to recognize that I chose my partner badly.
  • Because I have built a social image that I will not destroy just by changing partners.
  • Because we already have children and I will not leave them without their father / mother.
  • Because we have material projects that have cost me and I will not leave them in the hands of someone else (a lover).
  • Because all things considered by all men / women are the same.

However, beauty is in the eyes of the observer and ... There is always a broken one for a riot!

Suggestions for change

  • Everything that resists persists.
  • The higher the expectations regarding the couple and are not met, the greater the pain and frustration they experience.
  • The relationship is like a garden that needs to be taken care of and cultivated by both members.
  • Happiness in the relationship, in principle it is a more personal work, and secondly it is a joint work.
  • You can not demand in the couple, what you are not able to give. "Nobody gives what does not have".
  • The problems of the couple, depend in reality on the personality and affective deficiencies of each of its members.
  • The more responsible each of the members of their own emotional responsibilities, the happier they can be.
  • Any couple can grow in situations of crisis more serious if they are able to see them as an opportunity for growth and not as an obstacle.
  • If all this does not work, "ask for professional help."

One last option is to change the paradigm "learn to love yourself so you can love someone else”, The result would be: Instead of asking myself: Why don't I have the partner I want? Would Why not learn to love the couple I have? (The latter is a phrase from my friend José Antonio Hernández).

To learn more, do not miss this book by Juan Antonio Barrera

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