“Anyone can get angry, that is very simple. But getting angry with the right person, to the exact extent, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way, that certainly is not so simple. ”Aristotle
Discussing as a couple is completely natural and healthy as long as we do it with mutual respect. To express to the other what bothers and irritates us is the best way to approach it instead of not saying it and shutting it up, making the situation worse in the long run, since the problems are not solved by themselves. There are no perfect couples, conflicts are part of life and of human relationships. It is unfeasible, utopian and fictional to think that it is possible to agree on all matters. It is about the differences not serve to move further away but rather the opposite, to grow and enrich as a person and as a couple. The key element that will make a difference is the way we manage communication in the expression of disagreement. The fundamental problem lies when we make endless fights, we continually turn to the past to get unresolved issues, we use disrespect ... which causes us to finally leave the issue parked and unresolved because it is impossible to address it. It is in these cases when special care must be taken, since if it occurs on a regular basis we will erode the couple's relationship, affecting both the emotional bond and the relationship itself.
To solve the problems and concerns of life as a couple is necessary raise them, discuss them and address them jointly. Not talking about them or doing how they don't exist will tax them even more.
Of the most common issues in couple discussions are those related to distribution of household chores and childcare and parenting. Several studies have shown that with regard to household chores and the education of children, it is women who are more responsible for carrying them out, dedicating almost twice as much time as men to these tasks. In these cases it is very useful, whenever possible economically, to hire the services of household personnel to solve and alleviate the burden of domestic tasks, which has a very positive impact on the quality of the couple's relationship.
Even if you are absolutely right, if the other is not understanding what you want to explain, it is better to leave the subject for another time... and address it more calmly and effectively when you are more receptive
When this topic arises in consultation during the Couple Therapy sessions, I always insist that when the other is not able to listen to you, it will be impossible for me to understand you ... and therefore very difficult to try to reach mutual agreements. If so, it is much smarter to leave it for another time when it is more open and receptive than continuing to insist and insist ... as it will only cause it to block more.. Listening also goes through being attentive and worrying about what he is explaining to you, so try not to interrupt and wait until his argument ends to give your opinion... a very useful way to show that you are interested in what you are telling is Ask questions to try to understand better how you are, what you feel and what are your reasons for being like this.
Another issue that we must take special care of is when labor problems or that have arisen throughout the day we are carrying and irritating and when we get home we project all our frustration in the couple or in the people we live with. In these cases and almost without realizing it annoys us all of the other, from a sneeze, to how he has placed the clothes in the closet ... and in a very short time we are immersed in a great couple discussion for very trivial matters that the only thing that will contribute It is personal discomfort and wear in the relationship. In these cases, anticipation is very effective, learning to manage emotions instead of letting ourselves be carried away by them.
The great secret to know how to manage in a positive and constructive way disagreements and anger in the couple is the use of communication: Talk, talk and talk. What translates into agree, agree, yield, share, collaborate, forgive, reason, debate, know ... One of the issues that are worst handled in the relational world is thatwe don't listen to understand each other but toanswer and defend ourselves
When we are able to verbalize and explain what happens to us, what we feel, makes us angry, bothers us ... without attacking or attacking, with respect and calm ... then we will be expressing and communicating emotional states with reasons and arguments, with sensible and reasonable demands ... If we handle verbal and nonverbal communication well, the other will be in a much more favorable position and willing to understand us, to understand our point of view and even to reconsider and modify their behavior.... breaking with the spiral of power to see who wins the battle.
Use kindness and courtesy, proper tone of voice, eye contact, smile… With a despotic and dominant tone, no agreements are reached, on the contrary, you distance yourself and disconnect from each other
Do you find yourself stuck in your relationship? Do you have doubts about whether you are with the right person? Do you want to make changes, improve your relationship, well-being and your life as a couple? Do you feel that your relationship is getting worse and worse? Do you spend more and more time arguing for any nonsense? You no longer know what to do to redirect the situation?
If you make the decision of the change, it will be an honor for me to accompany you in this process of transformation and personal growth. The crisis you are going through can be your great opportunity to generate development and psychological strength. Change is possible, take the first step and get in touch with me!