One of the romantic ideas with which we grow, is to find a love that lasts for a lifetime.
This idea of romantic love includes the myth that love and passion remain intact, that butterflies are not lost in the stomach and the illusion of being, touching, being together.
The hyperrealists and detractors of romantic love, say that this is not possible because falling in love is only the first stage of a relationship, which disappears with time and coexistence.
- 1 Variability and Intentionality
- 2 Love is not always the same
- 3 Expand our way of perceiving love
- 4 We can't stand it, but ...
- 5 Love is not static, it changes, it evolves
Variability and Intentionality
The defenders of healthier and more constructive loves and of people capable of creating their own realities, we defend the “variability” and the “intentionality” of love to keep it within the scope of romanticism.
Variability, because love changes permanently, intensifies, moderates, is passionate, becomes independent, settles, rebels. It does not stop being love, it only dresses with different outfits and is seen in different scenarios.
Intentionality, because, despite popular beliefs that love invades you without warning, it possesses you and you do not control it, love “is chosen” and as well as a person is chosen to become a couple, also how to live that love is chosen In everyday life.
From this point of view, love does not end, but in interaction as a couple, one action after another, we let it run out.
Love is not always the same
Those of us who have lived for many years as a couple, more than 20 years in my case, and we continue to choose to be with the same person despite the difficulties that are experienced in the “go and go” of life, we know that love is not always same.
There are moments of great connection, sometimes connected from the skin and sometimes from the soul. There are times when you look at yourself and you rethink the decisions you have made to stay there and others when you have the certainty of being in the right place and company. There are times when you feel immense tranquility and others when any smallness bothers you. Each and every one of these circumstances can be part of the experience of love.
Expand the way we perceive love
To maintain a love for a lifetime, it is necessary broaden the perception about what love is, or better, of the possibilities of the experiencesIN love.
It is the idealization and the need for perfection of the experience of love, which leads us to believe that when difficult times come it is because love is over.
With the idealization of love, I am referring to the search for the most instilled stereotypes: the blue prince and the princess in distress who, when they meet, merge into true love and will be “happily ever after”.
Nobody tells us that the prince enters into existential questions and stops making sense of a perfect life and that affects his sexual desire, nor does he tell us that the princess is fed up of being just a vase in the castle, for being just a pretty woman and Well dressed and wants to stop going to parties to other kingdoms and comply with protocols.
We are left with the "happily ever after" and we believe that everything that goes beyond the parameters of happiness is wrong and should be avoided.
We must not stand, but ...
I do not mean by this that you have to endure in a relationship no matter what.
You have to know how to differentiate what is inside love and what is moving away and this is a limit that each person according to their beliefs and values should be clear about.
As a general rule, discussing, disagreeing, being disrespectful, not complying with the agreement, feeling jealous, in specific moments, is part of what is possible within a relationship and continues within the framework of love, to the extent in which those moments serve to learn to know each other, to return to raise the conditions in which they want to live that relationship, to change and to advance in the basic commitments of love: respect, solidarity, support and generosity.
Otherwise and to the extent that they become systematic and become a style for relating, a red line crosses where we must stop talking about love.
Living love is something that can be confusing. We have been taught many misconceptions about love and there are times when we do not know how to differentiate whether it is a difficult stage that can be overcome or has become a harmful relationship from which we must move away. There is the crux of the human experience. How to know what decision to make and how to live with the decision.
Love is not static, it changes, it evolves
We want the promise of finding “true” love and being “happily ever after” to be fulfilled. What we do not know is that finding love, which can always be true, and be happy forever, that is, throughout our lives, is not like taking a picture, in which a moment is captured and remains the same with Over the years. It is rather as a recorded video, during a live broadcast, in which despite having a specific script, circumstances appear that generate better or worse improvisations.
The magic of love, is produced by each person to the extent that he knows more and more about himself / 0, manages his emotions better, reaffirms his self-esteem much more, recovers more easily from his disappointments, regains control over his emotional well-being , makes your ideas more flexible and broadens your ability to include and accept the various options that life presents without previous negative assessments. These characteristics mean that we can create “love” in our lives and choose better the people with whom we want to share it.
What other elements do you think can help maintain a love for a lifetime?