Have you ever felt as if you had to measure your words when you are with your partner? As if he (or she) were on the defensive, no matter what you say or do? Despite what one might think, this issue might not simply be a communication problem, but something deeper.
For this reason, if a couple works to achieve better communication and thus solve their problems, they may only be treating the symptoms. It is necessary to identify the basis of the problem clouding the relationship or the conflict will continue.
What is the basis of the problem?
We all know that often, over time, intimacy fades between a couple. The passion begins to disappear. In some cases the feeling of union and affection can turn into bitterness and resentment. Obviously, nobody wants this to happen in their relationship.
To solve these problems, couples often talk to each other about their disagreements, conflicts and misunderstandings, each sharing their point of view. But, instead of connecting them, these conversations often lead to a greater sense of contempt (which is the number one predictor of divorce, according to 40 years of research by Dr. John Gottman).
It is for this reason that many couples who undergo Couple Therapy, although often at the end they feel even more distant from each other.
This is due to Lack of communication is not your real problem. The real problem is the lack of "connection." And that magical connection between a couple is the glue that holds everything else together. Losing that connection implies:
- Intimacy and passion fade away
- Fights and conflicts increase
- The feelings of separation appear
You can work on communication skills, but until the connection between the two is resolved, the relationship problems are likely to get worse.
But, How to increase that sense of connection with our partner? First, we must forget and set aside any fixation we have on any specific aspect of the relationship, at least for now. That can wait. In the first instance we must carry out only what helps to increase and reinforce a more intimate sense of connection between us and our partner.
Here are seven ways to start reconnecting with your partner:
1. Say thank you for something every day, personally
Show your partner how much you appreciate her and value her actions. There are countless small ways to do this. You could start with something as simple and sincere as: "I thank you for making me coffee. Thank you."
2. Pay all your attention, at least once a day
Without watching television, or mobile, or Facebook ... Leave what you are doing when your partner wants to talk to you and focus all your attention (and interest) on it, carrying out full eye contact.
3. Be the first to apologize if you have discussed
Saying "I'm sorry" is not easy, especially if you feel aggrieved, but you can say: "I want you to know that I am sorry and that I love you." There is no reason to continue an endless discussion. With this you have already said what is necessary.
4. Ask for a hug
Tell your partner that you want to hug her for just a moment, even knowing she could refuse, give you a half-hug or say some nonsense. Ask for the hug anyway, as it could create a reconnection moment.
5. Rescue your true feelings of love again>
How it all started? Why are you with your partner? Why do you love this person? How do you want your life to be together? Share this with your partner, speaking from your heart, without asking what you think or asking for an answer.
6. Show more understanding and consideration for your thoughts
A little kindness is very beneficial. You may not have much idea about the stress your partner suffers. Therefore, try to understand it and show some empathy.
7. Clarify things and get your most cheerful side
Most disagreements and misunderstandings are usually due to small things that go out of context. Look at the issues with more perspective, find something to laugh about together and let some fun help to relieve tension. Grudges lead nowhere.
When we focus on affection, union, sincere feeling of concern for each other, physical contact and appreciation towards our partner, it is possible to repair almost any type of relationship. Good communication skills are valuable, but only once the connection between them is truly healthy.