In detail

The lie in the relationship

The lie in the relationship

A lie repeated properly a thousand times becomes a truth.Paul Joseph Goebbels (1897-1945) German politician.

Case example

  • In their younger years, María and Ramiro had a son, however due to their married status, their fear of making the commitment since it was only passion and not love, the good Ramiro moved away with his cowardice and Maria covered him up with his family, to lie in the paternity of his son.
  • Roberto and Yolanda, began to save for a long time, as a good gentleman he told his fiance that he would take care of the finances, but he has taken money from the account and now his wife does not know that they are bankrupt, this in addition to abuse of Trust is known as financial infidelity.
  • Pedro is an accountant and has several nightclubs as clients, that justifies that he only happens at home one day yes and another no, what his wife does not know is that in addition to his work, he has lived another relationship for more than 5 years where the argument with his second partner is the same: he works at night, one day yes and another no. Before his family he says he doesn't lie, he only hides a part of the truth.
  • Alejandro lives with the constant fear of being abandoned by his wife, and despite having the suspicion of being deceived, his dependence on her makes him pretend that nothing happens, this has been happening for 15 years, but due to his codependency relationship, neither of them decides to leave the love nest. When a liar is in a position to choose the way of lying, he will usually prefer to hide and not to falsify (Ekman, 2010).

Although lying is a common behavior in us, each person has their own traits to express their lies. What lies behind the lies? What are their main motivators? What do we lose if we are discovered in them? What is the cost paid by someone who lies? This and more discover it in this interesting adventure.

When we think of the lie, it is impossible not to refer to the character of Pinocchio and his nose that grows every time he tells a lie.

Did you know… ? In the original version of the Italian, Carlo Collodi, published in 1882, Pinocchio, is a puppet made of wood with magical properties. A fairy godmother endows him with human qualities (virtues and defects) and transforms him into a wooden child; naughty, liar and disobedient, who is hanged at the end for his countless mistakes.

Describing a fact protecting one's interests is not a casual matter., and history is witness to it, figures as important as Bill Clinton in the late nineties was involved in having maintained a "improper physical behavior”With the White House Fellow, Monica Lewinsky. However, in an effort to maintain its truth, months before the president himself had declared: “I didn't have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky”, Maintaining a certain emotional distance with said lady.

Liars tend to feel less guilty when they hide than when they falsify, although in both cases their victims are equally harmed. A liar could say: “My husband must be aware that I am with someone, because he never asks me where I have spent the afternoon. My discretion is a feature of goodness towards him; by the way I am not lying to you about what I do, I have only preferred not to humiliate you, not to force you to recognize my love affairs“(Ekman, 2010).

Content

  • 1 Reflections on the lie
  • 2 What is the lie?
  • 3 Why do we lie?
  • 4 The step from being a liars to a professional mythologist
  • 5 Topics in which you lie most frequently in the relationship
  • 6 What is the price of the lie?
  • 7 How to detect the lie?
  • 8 Liars' attitudes in relationships

Reflections on the lie

  • The lie is part of the history of mankind and from our personal life, remember the paradigm that the “earth was flat”
  • We pay to know the truth and we hire the services of specialized agents in order to know if our partner deceives us. Currently hiring the services of a hacker to know the password of the email of our couple has an approximate cost of six hundred Mexican pesos.
  • We have Specialized institutions to know our financial truths (Banks and Ministry of Finance).
  • Today, the search for truth is a social and individual needI wonder: who am I? Where am I going and who am I going with in life?
  • In many moments of life we need to know if what we hear is trueAre there the Three Kings or Santa Claus?
  • There is no 100% reliable technique to get the truthWell, although the ways of scanning the brain using neuroimaging (magnetic resonance imaging and positron emission tomography) are increasingly sophisticated, the human mind travels new routes to escape the truth
  • Even when someone who "tells the truth" does not necessarily tell it and may rather be covering up someone else.

There are powerful reasons in each of us to create a different reality and assume the consequences of our actions, then then why do we lie?

What is the lie?

According to the dictionary of the Royal Spanish Academy “Lie is to manifest the opposite of what is known, believed or thought" To deceive is to give the appearance of truth or to induce someone, to take for granted what is not, using words or apparent or feigned works.

Why do we lie

There are many causes for which we move away from the truth as can be seen below:

  • For being pious with others
  • To create a reality that does not exist
  • To be the center of attention
  • To exaggerate reality
  • To patch reality or cover the truth
  • To blame / harm / help another person
  • To avoid liability
  • To hide mistakes and avoid apologizing
  • Not to face the future
  • For avoiding shame
  • For avoiding the loss of the couple
  • To appear what is not
  • For fear of the consequences of something being known
  • For feeling: safe, insecure and distrustful
  • To get an advantage or benefit
  • To achieve life goals

The greater the consequences, the greater the motivation not to tell the truth (Martínez, 2006).

The step from being a liars to a professional mythologist

A lie is like a snowball; the more it rolls, the bigger it becomes. Martin Luther (1483-1546) German reformer.

If a person worked for him to tell a little lie, he may unwittingly become an expert in lying and doing so as a natural mechanism of his life. It is said that the teacher Diego Rivera was an expert in lying, a mythomaniac, that is to say he was a pathological liar.

However, behind the lie lies the fear of:

  • Be less than others
  • Not achieve a professional goal, lose a sale
  • Be less attractive
  • That they don't love us or that they don't appreciate us
  • Don't respect us
  • To lose or not to win something

Being discovered in a lie can be disastrous in the life of the liar (Martínez, 2006).

Issues on which you lie most frequently in the relationship

  • The presence of a 3rd person
  • An orgasm
  • The paternity of the children
  • The sexual past

I better pretend an orgasm

  • Not to hurt him
  • To make you feel good lover
  • I don't tell him I didn't finish not to let him down
  • It's about pretending that the false is real
  • In Mexico, out of 10 women, 6 have suffered some kind of anorgasmia, a dysfunction that causes several different psychological and physical conditions.

Illegitimate children

In the United States, more than half of the children born in Washintong are illegitimate and mostly single black mothers (1976). Of the almost 10,000 born during the past year, almost 5000 were illegitimate.

According to data from the National Household Survey in Motevideo for the year 1993, 34% of the children were illegitimate children.

For those who doubt their paternity, the current techniques of molecular genetics are 99.99% effective, and range from 8 to 12 thousand Mexican pesos (800 to 1200 dollars).

From my point of view, "There are no illegitimate children, there are illegitimate parents"

or pirate dads. Some do not know that they are not true parents and some others are not even interested in knowing, but this reality may be in your own home.

A husband deceived by his wife who ignores the signs that betray adultery can thusAt least postponing the humiliation of being exposed as cuckold and exposing oneself to the possibility of a divorce. Even if he recognizes his wife's infidelity to himself, he may cooperate in hiding his deception so as not to have to acknowledge it before her or others. To the extent that the matter is not discussed, there may be some hope, no matter how remote, of having misjudged it, that she is not involved in any affair (Ekman, 2010).

What is the price of the lie?

A lie can have a emotional, social, economic or spiritual cost very important, which has to do with: 

  • Be discovered
  • That the armed theater falls
  • Know that they have cheated
  • That a habit or lifestyle be formed
  • End the relationship
  • Fracture or end a relationship

How to detect the lie?

Although no technique is 100% effective I share some indicators present in people who lie:

  • Annoys if asked something (denial)
  • Avoid talking about it
  • You have to control the version of the story to be consistent
  • The more you lie, the harder the data is controlled
  • It contradicts the versions
  • Use muffins
  • Avoid the direct look
  • He gets nervous
  • If the liar himself does not believe in his lie

However, over time a lie will come to light, so it takes 18 or 100 years.

A very interesting element in the liar or liar, is the reflection of their emotions (positive or negative), or they become much more loving to hide a complementary relationship or become more aggressive to feel guilt and feel that they are betraying the couple not official and behave rude to avoid intimacy.

In nonverbal communication there are several indicators of lies: cover your mouth with one or several fingers while talking, touch or scratch your nose, do not look straight in the eyes or at the interlocutor (although there are those who do stare to appear to be honest ), blink constantly, shrug. A curious fact is that there is some evidence that when we lie the blood fills the nose, which causes a Pinocchio effect (Boyes, 2007).

Attitudes of liars in relationships

Negation

  • It was me? It was me?
  • You've fooled me?

Minimization

  • It's not that bad!
  • I only did it once!

Personal attack on the Interrogator

  • You are going to start!
  • Or that you behave so well!
  • With you is impossible to speak!

Distancing

  • They are things of life
  • That happens to anyone

Control the situation

  • Control verbal expressions but not facial micro expressions

Rationalization

  • Nobody is perfect
  • Who is free from sin ... throw the first garment

Self-deception

  • I don't admit what happened
  • Guilt makes me deny and forget
  • Forget that I forgot!

Men as a gender in general lie more, but women are more elaborate in lying, in the end, technical tie.

Suggestions for change

  • To run the risk of being oneself and accepting oneself with its virtues and defects.
  • Go to a professional help
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